life begins on the beach

So with the reboot of ABC’s Rosanne, which is awesome by the way, I’ve been watching old episodes, reliving some old laughs. I caught an episode today about the time Jackie was dating a man, he fell in love with her, and Roseanne gave her a hard time for being such a wet noodle.

For those of you who are not familiar, check it out here! But anyway, Jackie is the younger sister of the matriarch and she is perpetually full of self doubt, a need to fit in, and a people pleaser. So when this man shows an interest in her, naturally she wants to make sure she pleases him. She agrees to all his suggestions, lets him make date choices…you get the idea.

Now, I was watching this with my 13 year old son. I saw this as an opportunity to talk to him about being true to himself, since ya know, that’s kinda important to me. So first, I asked him if he had any idea what it felt like to fall in love. Of course, he replied, “how would I know”, so I told him a few things: butterflies in the stomach, thinking of that person all the time, and that feeling that you’ll do anything to make that person happy. Of course I mentioned that sometimes we insecure-folk tend to try to please the new love interest (or connection interest) by foregoing our own preferences in favor of theirs, which we saw in the show. (Don’t worry, it wasn’t all bad, just an opportunity for discussion).

Anyway, Rosanne speaks up and calls Jackie out on her lack of opinions, Jackie is hurt and angry, and they distance themselves from each other. Ultimately, it all works out, but I thought it important to talk with my son about being true to who he is, and encouraging his future connections (possible girlfriends and friends alike) to express their opinions and preferences. Just because a relationship is new, and there is still fear of rejection, or insecurities about maintaining that persons interest (because of course when you like someone, you want to connect, but not knowing them well yet, it can be scary to be yourself).

So anyway, be who you are. Be brave and true, and respectful, but be honest. It’s alright to say, “Sorry, but I’d rather not go to that restaurant,” or “I would like to go hiking today, how about you?” And in return, be open to occasions that this new person in your life expresses distaste for an idea you have or an affinity for something you can’t stand. And I know it’s scary and requires confidence to be yourself, but try it! You never know where you’ll find a kindred spirit!

*And one more thing: it’s ok to say to that new person, “you’re important to me” or “thanks for being a good friend” or “I enjoyed our outing together”. Often times, we are afraid to put ourselves out there (again, I’m referring to us insecure-folk). Sometimes, when people say things like this, it can be a little too warm and fuzzy for people, but it’s worth the risk. When the other person knows how you feel, you create a more solid and true connection that will stand up to any bumps in the road ahead.

When we share a story about our own struggle, we let people know they are not alone. There is great power in feeling like others understand what you’re going through. It takes courage and confidence and a little faith to take the leap and share your struggles…

And it’s strange for me to use the word “faith” because it’s often associated with religion, and those who know me, they know that I am NOT a person who believes in any kind of god. So when I say “faith”, I mean the strong belief that I have in myself and my ideals and my philosophies.

I just watched the movie Miracles From Heaven in which a family struggles with their child’s chronic illness only for a freak accident to result in remission of her condition. And though church, religion, prayer are all pieces that I don’t include in my life, I’m still able to recognize the value they have for others.

So what’s my point? I’m not really sure…I guess I’m saying tell your story. Believe in whatever lessens your sorrow. Be open to possibilities. Perseverance is never wasted. And be brave.

See the trailer for the movie here

It might not seem like a big deal, but when you struggle with depression, even the smallest task can be overwhelming(sounds like a commercial but it’s really me). As a person who has often felt a lack of motivation, I was pleasantly surprised to have some energy this afternoon and a desire to tidy up. So I thought about cleaning my office but seeing as it’s my clutter ground zero, I decided on something small for starters.

The junk drawer in my kitchen has been collecting odds and ends for about seven years-and it showed. So I pulled it out, dumped it on the table and got to work. It only took me 45 minutes! And it was incredibly gratifying to accomplish something. And small tasks provide big satisfaction, hopefully leading to more energy and desire to sort through the clutter that has taken over my house.

I have the fortunate privilege of living in a college town, and in the science building, attached to the 6th floor, there is a greenhouse. It is warm and sunny and quiet, with just the faintest trickle of a water fountain in the air. It is perfectly situated to get sun for more than half the day, and it is wonderful.

When I walk in, I am immediately struck by the warmth. Typically, I detest being hot or sweaty, but this warmth is earthy and grounding. I find it soothes my nervous system and my mind. I often just wander in an area touching the various leaves and flowers. I find my thoughts slow down, and sometimes just stop all together. I am in that moment, feeling the sun on my face and breathing in the warm air.

I linger and enjoy the peaceful easy feeling, the quiet and stillness. When it is time to leave, I have found that I feel sharper, more aware, more intelligent even! It is like spending time in a comfy cozy chair with a fuzzy blanket and a cup of tea, but with a more invigorating effect. I highly recommend a visit to a greenhouse, or even creating your own mini greenhouse. It’s worth it!

Thanks so much for reminding me to laugh at myself, to laugh with others, and that I’m old enough that old school means my time! But I do actually have some real advice for you:

• Treasure your parents-someday they’ll be gone
• Be good to your body-time WILL catch up to you
• Work hard but play hard too-rugby is not a waste of time
• Remember that your professors are people too-parents, music lovers, athletes…use their passions in your work for better appeal
• Enjoy college-the real world is wonderful but a whole different ball game

Good luck with your film project!

Another talk, this time about heartbreak…I came to watch it by accident, but it was still captivating. I have been fortunate to not have been heartbroken recently, but heartbreak can come in the form of a death of a loved one, a rift within your family, traditional breakups, or any other time you experience loss of love. Here’s the talk I listened to : https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart.

Here are my notes that I found interesting.

• The same instincts we rely on in life will lead us down the wrong path when your heart is broken
• “Withdrawal of romantic love activates the same part of the brain responsible for addiction”
• You are “feeding addiction when you recall the love, texts, social media…” and the heart broken do not recognize it as addiction, and “it deepens the pain, and complicates the emotional recovery.”
• Understand the “why” leads to the ability to move on
• “Often when given a reason, we reject it. Our pain is so dramatic that the reason must be equally dramatic.”
• “You need closure to resist addiction,” and have to let go.
• “Hope can be destructive when you’re heartbroken.”
• “Getting over heartbreak is not a journey. It is a fight.”

Another TED talk…https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability, but this one was one of the first few that I really got a lot of out. Here are the notes I took while watching:

• “Lean into the discomfort of the work”
• Connection-allow ourselves to be seen
• Sense of worthiness, fear that we’re not worthy of connection
• “Embrace vulnerability”
• Be authentic and real
• “Let ourselves be seen, deeply vulnerably seen”
• Call deep on my courage
• “Stories are data with a soul”

And here are my notes from her other TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame/transcript

• “Vulnerability is not weakness”
• “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change”
• “Shame is the swampland of the soul”
• Shame=I am bad. Guilt=I did something bad.
• “Shame is highly correlated with depression and aggression”
• “Shame is organized by gender” for men, don’t be weak, for women, be what others expect you to be, don’t let them see you sweat
• “Empathy is the antidote to shame”

Bottom line: I learned a lot from her about myself and how my mind works. I also became brave and began to share my story and struggle. And that has been the most powerful (and scary) step I’ve taken in my recovery so far. So watch the ted talks, or read her books, or just read this…but she has a no nonsense way of taking my muddled thoughts and turning them into strong forceful declarations. And I’m grateful…my words get muddled by emotion so it’s been especially helpful!

One of my sisters recently posted this image and it spoke to me. It was perfect timing as I had been feeling broken. I joked, “if only you could see all the gold filling my cracks, I’d sparkle.” To which she replied, “I feel like we should all say that to ourselves. We don’t ever cut ourselves a break.” Bingo. Lightbulb moments right there. And I feel like the featured image, a human heart repaired by gold, is something I need to keep in my mind when I’m talking to others. Not just that I’ve been broken, but they have too. Just because we cannot see the cracks, does not mean they aren’t there. Below I’ve listed a link that goes in depth using this Japanese art as a metaphor. Feel free to take a look, I thought it was pretty great…they equate inadequate fillers to poor choices, and outline some simple thoughts on how to take care of your “cracks”.

kintsukuroi and emotions as a metaphor