Posted on by Jennifer Cyr · 2 Comments

She’s using my skills against me…and it’s so dang helpful

Once again my talented therapist is surprising me with her insight and skillfulness. I’ve been having some repetitive thoughts and trying to make them stop only makes them worse. She ever so carefully steered me into how to get to the root of those thoughts without my awareness, with no pressure, and an ease that allowed for openness.

So here it is…her magical approach:

If a child in your care was having a tough time letting go of some feelings, how would you help that child move through it?

So simple. First I would listen to the child, because after all, every child wants to feel heard. I would then observe the child’s behavior to look for non-verbal communication. Children’s behavior is a such an enlightening form of expression and communication. Next, I would find activities or roles based on my observations that I could offer to empower the child and build on that child’s strengths, ultimately meeting the unmet needs.

Damn she’s good. She got me so focused on the child that popped into my mind that I forgot I was talking about myself! But here comes the tough part, right? Looking at myself as the child instead of the teacher…well, she put me in my secure role as educator and so I carried that feeling with me as I dove in.

So here I am sitting there thinking that I have to listen to my young self. And that child says nothing. She is silent and trying to make herself small, trying not to cause any trouble or unwanted tension. She wants someone to notice her, to listen to her. She wants someone to ask her what she thinks, and she wants to be listened to when she answers. She wants others to want her. She wants others to accept her. She wants others to feel comfortable with her. She wants to be seen for who she is becoming, and she wants to cheer on the others who are becoming…

Here I go…

  • Writing my blog helps me feel heard and I love that others find inspiration in my words and thoughts. (Keep it up!)
  • I’ll never be seen if I don’t let others have the opportunity to see me, so I am putting myself out there. (Be brave!)
  • I will keep becoming myself, and accept who I am, since my own acceptance is of paramount importance.
  • I will keep working toward being comfortable with myself and the comfort of others will come on it’s own (right?)
  • And finally, I will begin to let go of the fear…fear of rejection, loss, fear that I will never again find the connections like those I’ve had in my life.

Wish me luck…it’ll be a process, a trial of sorts with some backslides and failures, but I’ll get there.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr · 1 Comment

“Pain is Love” a misunderstood quote

My friend has this quote tattooed on his arm and I always thought it was cynical and negative, and honestly quite sad. But as I step into the new year, I’ve been thinking about it, and I get it now. The article below says it so much better than me so please read it, but I will grab some highlights for you that resonated with me in particular.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/why-can-love-be-so-painful-6-ways-to-heal-and-move-on_b_5134565/amp

Love is painful, because it transforms you. Love is growth.

Love means the death of the ego, because love cannot be controlled.

To suffer in love is not to suffer in vain; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness.

The transformation we all go through is from control of the mind to vulnerability of the heart.

With love, the ego drops and the soul arises. Love is food for the soul.

Go through the dark night and you reach a beautiful sunrise.

This song just came on, and the line “hell will always come before you grow” captured my ear

update: after some consideration, I think the expression should be pain from love…it hurts because of the love we have for one another…

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr · 1 Comment

Grief 5 Years Later…

I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my family, my husbands family, classmates, community members…but the loss of my dear friend Laura was the roughest on me (sorry mom). When you choose to bring a person into your circle, into your life, it’s got a different significance than who you happen to have in your life already.

Laura was kind, thoughtful, but also down to earth and flawed. She held her flaws close, but shared them with me from the beginning…we had a comfort with each other almost right away that was easy. I’ll never forget the evening she told me about the lump in her neck…

We were having dinner together on an early November evening. She had the roasted garlic potato soup and I had the pumpkin ravioli. We chatted quite a while and when I noticed the lump on her neck, she said she’d have it checked as soon as her insurance kicked in in January. While I completely understood waiting for financial reasons, I told her not to let it go longer than that. But that evening, I had the thought: it’s cancer and she’s going to die. I can’t explain it, to have not just a feeling, but the sure and certain knowledge of what was to come was overwhelming. Sure enough, the doctor saw her on a Wednesday in January and took it out two days later on his lunch break, telling her he was 99% sure it was cancer. From there, scans and tests and chemo…and by July she was cancer free. But she struggled to shake a cough, taking steroids to reduce inflammation changed her appearance and did little to help..In October, they did a biopsy of her lungs, and she was hospitalized for good after that. Early November brought news that she wasn’t conscious, relied on a ventilator, and had an uphill battle. I knew she would not come back to us, I knew that life had been too hard for her, that she didn’t want to fight anymore, and that she knew letting go was the kindest thing her family could do for her. Her paperwork was quite clear: after two weeks on a ventilator, with no signs of improvement, she was to be taken off life support. She only lasted a week on the machines, her body just couldn’t keep going.

Laura was one of the most perfect imperfect people I’ve ever met. She was nurturing and gentle, and a dear friend. I’ve been finally allowing people into my heart again, and though I’ve been hurt, I’ve also been healed. I’m not much for heaven and all that, but I believe she is with me, and that she sent me a couple of wonderful people to help fill the Laura-shaped hole in my heart.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Being Authentic:

Being your most authentic self is scary, nerve wracking, difficult, but also rewarding, worth it, and gets easier.

I have never been a fan of people who act phony, but it was something I was guilty of myself at times. Letting others see who you are, and know what you think requires taking a personal, and sometimes professional, risk. And it can come with a cost.

So what do we gain from authenticity:

  • Confidence
  • Community
  • Friendship
  • Security (emotional)
  • Respect
  • Appreciation
  • Opportunity (for growth among others types)

And from being disingenuous we gain:

  • Casual, sometimes shallow, relationships
  • Popularity (short term)
  • Polite interactions
  • Isolation
  • Mistrust

Keep in mind, this is just my opinion…and feel free to add to either list. And in my opinion, phony, fake, are not desired, but maybe that works for some people…just not me.

It’s important to be yourself, to show our children how to be true to their beliefs and values, to provide a model of heathy emotions relationships and interactions, to foster personal growth and challenge each other to do more, be better.

It has taken me a long time and many struggles, but I am finally embracing authenticity as one of my core values. The truth isn’t always pretty, but in a respectful and unconditional relationship, it can be accepted and sorted out.

I love this definition by Diane Mottl, MSW

“Being authentic means coming from a real place within. It is when our actions and words are congruent with our beliefs and values. It is being ourselves, not an imitation of what we think we should be or have been told we should be”

And one of my inspirations has a lot to say about authenticity that truly match what’s in my head-she just says it so well!!

The phrase “daily practice” is a clear reminder that it takes effort, it mandates that you choose to be authentic.

She’s not wrong! Since I’ve been on this journey, this breakdown, crisis, unraveling, I’ve been noticing that being who I really am, or more to the point, NOT being myself, has been at the root of many facets of my struggle.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

One more piece of the puzzle…

Talking with a friend today, we got to a subject I avoid: my dad. Well, how when dads leave us as kids, the way we feel and how it impacts us for years to come… As an adult, I get it now: he wasn’t capable of being a parent, and didn’t know how, and quite frankly, was told to get lost by my (amazing) no-nonsense mom.

When I think about that time in my childhood, it’s kind of blurry. I had a dad in my life, around the house. Then my memories skip to when he wasn’t around. I don’t have strong feelings from that time, I was kind of just gliding along like it was no big thing (mom: maybe I acted out or something, but I have no recollection).

The feelings of rejection and being abandoned came later. Much later. And with those also came anger, worthlessness, confusion.

I had what most would call a normal home with family that loved me, including a step dad who turned out to be soooo much better than the “real” thing, and a mom who worked hard and sacrificed a lot for us (despite my ignorance to this fact). For all intents and purposes, I had a good life.

Well here’s the thing: when someone who gives you life, DNA, biology (you get it) leaves your life, and you’re a child who is still learning what love is, looking for where you belong, who you are…you take it personally. Maybe not at first, or like others, maybe all at once, or whatever…it took me awhile, but eventually I felt it. I felt defective, broken, unworthy.

Why would he leave me? Wasn’t I special? Wasn’t I good enough? Wasn’t I enough?

As an adolescent, I still saw him and his side of the family from time to time. As I began to learn more about him, and got to know him better, two things started to happen: I began to understand that he was NOT capable of being a father and I decided that he should have tried harder. Why didn’t he try harder?”

Anyway, long story short…despite the fact that it was best for me in some ways, his leaving/being kicked out shaped me for years, still impacts how I conduct myself, and influences who I am. That being said, I’ve worked through a lot of it, and I no longer feel so angry. I’m sad for him, after all, he missed out. But he does the best he can within his own limits. And it’s not just me, I wasn’t the problem. I didn’t do anything wrong. I am enough.

But along the way, those feelings of worthlessness and abandonment led me to make poor choices at times…so tell yourself (or someone who may have had a similar experience):

  • You didn’t do anything wrong
  • Dad has limits, he can’t do more.
  • It’s not about you, though it feels like it, it really isn’t.
  • You are worthy of love and belonging.
  • You are enough. Just as you are.
Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

I found something I’d been missing…and it feels good

First off, Mom, stop reading. If you read it anyway, pretend you didn’t please.

So over these last months, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and pondering and just plain exploring my mind and whatever happens to pop in. I had been looking at some art online for inspiration and came upon some beautiful pieces of art that sparked a memory, well, less of a memory and more the remnants of a feeling long ago forgotten.

I came upon some nudes of women: curvy, colorful, serene, bold and sensual. I kept looking at them, realizing more and more that I wanted to see myself reflected in those moods and models. You see, for years, I have been a caregiver, a maid, a secretary, a chef, and a chauffeur. I was anything but a woman, let alone a woman who wants to celebrate her curves and sexuality and simple beauty. I would like to think that I’m more than all of those roles.

I am a woman who wants to feel bold in her skin, tender, and even sexy. I want my husband to be all over me, not because it’s been awhile, but because he can tell that I want him to be. I want to be at peace with myself and have it show in the way I carry myself.

More than anything, I want to enjoy being a woman, feeling alive and electric and satisfied and whole. I had forgotten that part of myself. I think I’m finding my way back, and it feels wonderful.

This song inspired me as well

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr · 1 Comment

Making A Mountain Out Of A Molehill: how I’m my own worst enemy

Here’s the thing…on a good day, when I’m feeling content and calm, a simple statement is just that. Simple. But on a day when I’m feeling anxious, worried or just plain irritable, the littlest thing blows up in my mind, quickly becoming the end of everything.

The other day, someone said to me, “I just don’t have time for you right now.” And typically, I know she’s busy and I can roll with it. The other day though, I took it as “we aren’t friends anymore because I don’t have time for you right now”. See the difference?

So I begin to spiral…I start thinking of all the things about the friendship that tick me off and annoy me and I send a text outlining my arguments for why we should still be friends and all the things that have bothered me about our friendship and so-on…you get the picture.

Well, my message goes unanswered and I’m quite sure she’ll never speak to me again. I’ve cried and sulked and resigned myself to a lost relationship. The next morning, I wake up in a pretty good mood, energetic and ready for the day. I’m still bummed about the day before but I decided to put it out of my head and do my work.

Hours later, I’m sitting down to relax and it comes to me: I made a mountain out of a molehill. I added my own tainted thought to her message and ran with it. I looked back at the original message, and realized what an idiot I had been. I texted her and asked if I was guilty of creating this drama, and sure enough, the answer was yes.

We talked and things are good, but I thought now would be a good time to reflect on how I got to this place. I definitely let my mood dictate my perspective. And it seems obvious now, but at the time, I just didn’t see it.

And the best part about this situation, is that I realized that I’d been holding in a lot of little things that bothered me about our friendship. I hadn’t noticed that I’d held on so tightly until I expressed those issues. I’m thinking the reason I woke up so energetic and happy the next day was due to the catharsis that I allowed myself. Lesson learned: engage in relationships that allow you to be yourself, in which you can voice what irks you without fear of rejection, that nurture your soul, and forgive your mistakes.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

My Wonderful Mother’s Day

So for this spring holiday, my boys (hubby and son) always try to do something for me, often quite lame but nice nonetheless. This year, I said I want my kayak home from storage and I’m going for a paddle and a pedi. I released them from their holiday responsibilities and left the house bright and early with my kayak. I paddled around a beautiful lake that I had never been to before. I saw turtles, mallards, a loon, a muskrat and the most vibrant orioles!

When I was ready, I packed up my boat and went to the spa to be pampered. It was so relaxing that I even snoozed in the massage chair! Afterwards, feeling sleepy and cozy, I came home and took a fabulous nap! 4 hours!

It was the best Mothers Day because I didn’t have to take care of ANYONE! Not that I don’t enjoy taking care of my family, it’s just that it’s nice to have a day off once in awhile!