Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Witnessing vulnerability…

This morning I had the distinct privilege of watching two women lift each other up. It was really wonderful and such a simple, but powerful, moment.

Two women with kids close in age, playing same sports, both experiencing similar personal challenges…just casual acquaintances on Facebook. One posts lots of quotes/statements relating to her struggle and triumph, and the other comes over and says “thank you for what you post, I’m in a similar situation and I love reading your thoughts” (or similar to that effect). The response is a shared smile and subsequent conversation about how great it feels to reclaim our free will, our independence, our joy…we need to be who we are and have the support of each other!

A few specific things stuck out for me:

  • Both women took an emotional, social risk. BRAVO!
  • If we don’t lift each other up, then who will?
  • Sharing helps. Just sitting there watching the looks on their faces as I listened, I could see the effect.
  • You just never know what people are struggling with, so err on the side of kindness and compassion.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Being Authentic:

Being your most authentic self is scary, nerve wracking, difficult, but also rewarding, worth it, and gets easier.

I have never been a fan of people who act phony, but it was something I was guilty of myself at times. Letting others see who you are, and know what you think requires taking a personal, and sometimes professional, risk. And it can come with a cost.

So what do we gain from authenticity:

  • Confidence
  • Community
  • Friendship
  • Security (emotional)
  • Respect
  • Appreciation
  • Opportunity (for growth among others types)

And from being disingenuous we gain:

  • Casual, sometimes shallow, relationships
  • Popularity (short term)
  • Polite interactions
  • Isolation
  • Mistrust

Keep in mind, this is just my opinion…and feel free to add to either list. And in my opinion, phony, fake, are not desired, but maybe that works for some people…just not me.

It’s important to be yourself, to show our children how to be true to their beliefs and values, to provide a model of heathy emotions relationships and interactions, to foster personal growth and challenge each other to do more, be better.

It has taken me a long time and many struggles, but I am finally embracing authenticity as one of my core values. The truth isn’t always pretty, but in a respectful and unconditional relationship, it can be accepted and sorted out.

I love this definition by Diane Mottl, MSW

“Being authentic means coming from a real place within. It is when our actions and words are congruent with our beliefs and values. It is being ourselves, not an imitation of what we think we should be or have been told we should be”

And one of my inspirations has a lot to say about authenticity that truly match what’s in my head-she just says it so well!!

The phrase “daily practice” is a clear reminder that it takes effort, it mandates that you choose to be authentic.

She’s not wrong! Since I’ve been on this journey, this breakdown, crisis, unraveling, I’ve been noticing that being who I really am, or more to the point, NOT being myself, has been at the root of many facets of my struggle.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

The Power of a Discovery

So this journey has allowed me to slow down and gain some perspective. I’ve forced myself to examine why and how I got to the point of ignoring my needs in favor of everyone else…and I was able to pinpoint the beginning of the unraveling:

When my sister in law died unexpectedly at the age of 36, I turned off the part of myself that allowed my needs to come through. My husband and his parents were wrecked, overwhelmed by their grief. I had to hold everything together, and be strong for them all. And for our son, who was 4 at the time, I had to be an anchor, a safe place with consistent responses and a predictable routine.

Therapy has been a critical part of this process, and it helped me realize that I had to start making my own needs a priority. Upon reflecting and really, just talking to my therapist, it just came out of my mouth…and it was like I’d been in a dark room, and suddenly the lights were on. My world had been illuminated and all kinds of clarity was revealed: when his sister died, I stopped being myself with my husband.

He’s the one person with whom I should be able to be myself. So that’s what I’m doing now…so far, so good.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Honoring Change…

I love this image…it makes me feel nostalgic for the time I was pregnant with my son…of course by this point, I was eating 2 cans of beefaroni a day and my hip kept popping out so I could hardly walk! I was 10 days overdue and had gained 20 pounds in my last 2 weeks! (And by the way, he didn’t turn till I was at 34 weeks! There was so little room for him to move, I had to lean on a tall counter and let gravity give him a little help!)

But as I write this, I’m also trying to honor a significant change in my life…here it comes:

About 9 months ago I became pregnant for the 8th time. And for the 7th time, I suffered a miscarriage. This triggered an already impending cultivation of a breakdown, unraveling, whatever you want to call it. After seeking therapy, finally, one of the pieces we focused on was seeing a doctor for my gynecological health. As a result, I am now using birth control (for a couple reasons).

This weekend would have been my due date. And though I’m almost 42 and couldn’t imagine having an infant come into my family now, I chose to get away for the weekend to face my mixed feelings.

You see, I’m facing the reality that I will never again be pregnant and never again miscarry. And though I’m sad, I’m okay. I am so lucky to have become a mom almost 14 (!) years ago. My kid is amazing, intelligent, talented, charismatic, intuitive…you get the idea! And while I wish I could’ve given him a sibling, the self proclaimed sole survivor of “the womb of doom” will be just fine.

So I choose to be grateful that I was able to bear a child (I dislike that expression so much), and nurse him and raise him to be a respectful and kind young man (yikes). I choose to remember my pregnancies as the losses they were, but also to remember what I learned about myself (and my husband) along the way. Each loss presented an obstacle but also an opportunity for growth.

So now I say goodbye to my “fertile” years and hello to my “taking care of me” years…because it’s been a long time coming…

This post is dedicated to all the moms out there who have lost babies, and to the babies I lost. I loved you all.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

One more piece of the puzzle…

Talking with a friend today, we got to a subject I avoid: my dad. Well, how when dads leave us as kids, the way we feel and how it impacts us for years to come… As an adult, I get it now: he wasn’t capable of being a parent, and didn’t know how, and quite frankly, was told to get lost by my (amazing) no-nonsense mom.

When I think about that time in my childhood, it’s kind of blurry. I had a dad in my life, around the house. Then my memories skip to when he wasn’t around. I don’t have strong feelings from that time, I was kind of just gliding along like it was no big thing (mom: maybe I acted out or something, but I have no recollection).

The feelings of rejection and being abandoned came later. Much later. And with those also came anger, worthlessness, confusion.

I had what most would call a normal home with family that loved me, including a step dad who turned out to be soooo much better than the “real” thing, and a mom who worked hard and sacrificed a lot for us (despite my ignorance to this fact). For all intents and purposes, I had a good life.

Well here’s the thing: when someone who gives you life, DNA, biology (you get it) leaves your life, and you’re a child who is still learning what love is, looking for where you belong, who you are…you take it personally. Maybe not at first, or like others, maybe all at once, or whatever…it took me awhile, but eventually I felt it. I felt defective, broken, unworthy.

Why would he leave me? Wasn’t I special? Wasn’t I good enough? Wasn’t I enough?

As an adolescent, I still saw him and his side of the family from time to time. As I began to learn more about him, and got to know him better, two things started to happen: I began to understand that he was NOT capable of being a father and I decided that he should have tried harder. Why didn’t he try harder?”

Anyway, long story short…despite the fact that it was best for me in some ways, his leaving/being kicked out shaped me for years, still impacts how I conduct myself, and influences who I am. That being said, I’ve worked through a lot of it, and I no longer feel so angry. I’m sad for him, after all, he missed out. But he does the best he can within his own limits. And it’s not just me, I wasn’t the problem. I didn’t do anything wrong. I am enough.

But along the way, those feelings of worthlessness and abandonment led me to make poor choices at times…so tell yourself (or someone who may have had a similar experience):

  • You didn’t do anything wrong
  • Dad has limits, he can’t do more.
  • It’s not about you, though it feels like it, it really isn’t.
  • You are worthy of love and belonging.
  • You are enough. Just as you are.
Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

I found something I’d been missing…and it feels good

First off, Mom, stop reading. If you read it anyway, pretend you didn’t please.

So over these last months, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and pondering and just plain exploring my mind and whatever happens to pop in. I had been looking at some art online for inspiration and came upon some beautiful pieces of art that sparked a memory, well, less of a memory and more the remnants of a feeling long ago forgotten.

I came upon some nudes of women: curvy, colorful, serene, bold and sensual. I kept looking at them, realizing more and more that I wanted to see myself reflected in those moods and models. You see, for years, I have been a caregiver, a maid, a secretary, a chef, and a chauffeur. I was anything but a woman, let alone a woman who wants to celebrate her curves and sexuality and simple beauty. I would like to think that I’m more than all of those roles.

I am a woman who wants to feel bold in her skin, tender, and even sexy. I want my husband to be all over me, not because it’s been awhile, but because he can tell that I want him to be. I want to be at peace with myself and have it show in the way I carry myself.

More than anything, I want to enjoy being a woman, feeling alive and electric and satisfied and whole. I had forgotten that part of myself. I think I’m finding my way back, and it feels wonderful.

This song inspired me as well

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr · 1 Comment

Making A Mountain Out Of A Molehill: how I’m my own worst enemy

Here’s the thing…on a good day, when I’m feeling content and calm, a simple statement is just that. Simple. But on a day when I’m feeling anxious, worried or just plain irritable, the littlest thing blows up in my mind, quickly becoming the end of everything.

The other day, someone said to me, “I just don’t have time for you right now.” And typically, I know she’s busy and I can roll with it. The other day though, I took it as “we aren’t friends anymore because I don’t have time for you right now”. See the difference?

So I begin to spiral…I start thinking of all the things about the friendship that tick me off and annoy me and I send a text outlining my arguments for why we should still be friends and all the things that have bothered me about our friendship and so-on…you get the picture.

Well, my message goes unanswered and I’m quite sure she’ll never speak to me again. I’ve cried and sulked and resigned myself to a lost relationship. The next morning, I wake up in a pretty good mood, energetic and ready for the day. I’m still bummed about the day before but I decided to put it out of my head and do my work.

Hours later, I’m sitting down to relax and it comes to me: I made a mountain out of a molehill. I added my own tainted thought to her message and ran with it. I looked back at the original message, and realized what an idiot I had been. I texted her and asked if I was guilty of creating this drama, and sure enough, the answer was yes.

We talked and things are good, but I thought now would be a good time to reflect on how I got to this place. I definitely let my mood dictate my perspective. And it seems obvious now, but at the time, I just didn’t see it.

And the best part about this situation, is that I realized that I’d been holding in a lot of little things that bothered me about our friendship. I hadn’t noticed that I’d held on so tightly until I expressed those issues. I’m thinking the reason I woke up so energetic and happy the next day was due to the catharsis that I allowed myself. Lesson learned: engage in relationships that allow you to be yourself, in which you can voice what irks you without fear of rejection, that nurture your soul, and forgive your mistakes.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

There’s always room for more…

When my sister-in-law used to talk about ice cream…she’d say,

There’s always room for ice cream because it fills in all the nooks and crannies.

Now, she was literally talking about ice cream, but this applies to love as well, as I was reminded recently.

On the Season 14 season finale of Grey’s Anatomy, there was a quote that struck me as profoundly beautiful:

Of course I’m talking about the love part, not the 40 part although…anyway, this quote also struck me as something a kid might actually say. But in all seriousness, I cannot imagine how you could have too much love in your life. I’m not talking about the smother kind, or the tough kind, or romantic kind, but a certain kind of love that’s hard to come by, and even harder to live by.

I mean that kind of vulnerable, be yourself, make mistakes and forgive kind of love, without conditions.

Living this kind of love is difficult at times, especially if you’re like me: full of insecurities and doubt, prone to depression and negativity. Some of my problem is illness related (as we all know by now), and some of it stems back to previous experiences. But since my…breakdown (not loving that word), I’ve been noticing that this kind of love exists around me already. Heck, it’s part of why I’m a child care provider! Kids accept us so easily and love us from the start. I also see it in my son, who, despite his teenage attitude, tells me what a great mom I am and that he loves me on a regular basis.

I have a handful of family members too, who have always been open and accepting and forgiving, but I didn’t let myself trust it for the longest time. I’m working on trusting it now, and it’s nice to know that I’m accepted as the imperfect and unique person that I am by people with whom I share a long history. I also have a handful of good friends that have shown me time and time again that I can count on them without judgement, free from expectations, and despite my sometimes questionable behavior, they are always there for me. It’s hard to trust a relationship that is still being formed, but it’s worth the risk. You never know where you’ll find a kindred spirit, someone you have something in common with, someone who sees through your facade, and someone you feel a connection with. Laura was like that for me, she just understood me and showed me the kind of love I’m talking about…

And finally, there is my husband, who has shown me this kind of love from the very beginning…well, not completely right away, but pretty early in our time together. Within a month of meeting, we were best friends and started to date. We got engaged just three months after we met, married four years later, and still going strong as we approach the 23 year mark of our first meeting. And we have been through good times and bad, and even though we don’t always agree, I know we will get through whatever comes our way.

Anyway, try to let the love into your life, there’s always room in the nooks and crannies!

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

My Wonderful Mother’s Day

So for this spring holiday, my boys (hubby and son) always try to do something for me, often quite lame but nice nonetheless. This year, I said I want my kayak home from storage and I’m going for a paddle and a pedi. I released them from their holiday responsibilities and left the house bright and early with my kayak. I paddled around a beautiful lake that I had never been to before. I saw turtles, mallards, a loon, a muskrat and the most vibrant orioles!

When I was ready, I packed up my boat and went to the spa to be pampered. It was so relaxing that I even snoozed in the massage chair! Afterwards, feeling sleepy and cozy, I came home and took a fabulous nap! 4 hours!

It was the best Mothers Day because I didn’t have to take care of ANYONE! Not that I don’t enjoy taking care of my family, it’s just that it’s nice to have a day off once in awhile!