I love this image…it makes me feel nostalgic for the time I was pregnant with my son…of course by this point, I was eating 2 cans of beefaroni a day and my hip kept popping out so I could hardly walk! I was 10 days overdue and had gained 20 pounds in my last 2 weeks! (And by the way, he didn’t turn till I was at 34 weeks! There was so little room for him to move, I had to lean on a tall counter and let gravity give him a little help!)

But as I write this, I’m also trying to honor a significant change in my life…here it comes:

About 9 months ago I became pregnant for the 8th time. And for the 7th time, I suffered a miscarriage. This triggered an already impending cultivation of a breakdown, unraveling, whatever you want to call it. After seeking therapy, finally, one of the pieces we focused on was seeing a doctor for my gynecological health. As a result, I am now using birth control (for a couple reasons).

This weekend would have been my due date. And though I’m almost 42 and couldn’t imagine having an infant come into my family now, I chose to get away for the weekend to face my mixed feelings.

You see, I’m facing the reality that I will never again be pregnant and never again miscarry. And though I’m sad, I’m okay. I am so lucky to have become a mom almost 14 (!) years ago. My kid is amazing, intelligent, talented, charismatic, intuitive…you get the idea! And while I wish I could’ve given him a sibling, the self proclaimed sole survivor of “the womb of doom” will be just fine.

So I choose to be grateful that I was able to bear a child (I dislike that expression so much), and nurse him and raise him to be a respectful and kind young man (yikes). I choose to remember my pregnancies as the losses they were, but also to remember what I learned about myself (and my husband) along the way. Each loss presented an obstacle but also an opportunity for growth.

So now I say goodbye to my “fertile” years and hello to my “taking care of me” years…because it’s been a long time coming…

This post is dedicated to all the moms out there who have lost babies, and to the babies I lost. I loved you all.

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