life begins on the beach

He is the most amazing kid! What I didn’t realize was that he wasn’t all that aware I was having problems, but he learned a few things anyway.

• He tells me “When you get stressed, you need a lot of naps.” Yup.
• He’s been learning to read my body language, which supports development of empathy, which is a crucial part of who we are.
• He’s been sharing with people that I have my fridays off for “emotional mental health” with PRIDE. That’s right, pride, not shame. He either has no idea the stigma attached to depression, or has chosen to think positively about my illness.
• He’s been learning what a marriage looks like in tough times. He has seen his dad pick up some of the slack and has been hearing about how I did the same for my husband.
• He’s learning that honesty and truth about tough things makes him feel respected. I tell him a lot, maybe more than most parents, but answering his questions and explaining things is so much healthier for him than keeping him in the dark.
• He’s learned that being emotionally authentic and open requires strength (and sometimes a nap).
• He’s learned that seeing a therapist is helpful, and he recognizes it as a support measure, unlike his mom who resisted seeking help because I got it stuck in my head that it meant that I was weak. I have since changed my opinion.

A must read.

The above link talks about depression as an illness of the brain, like a heart defect or a sprained wrist. It is not the fault of the parents or caregivers, and it is not the fault of the one suffering.

There are always contributing factors, and research points to many of those, I’ll spare you for now but here’s a link that I found helpful.

Anyway, read the article at the top, and give it some thought. I have often told myself that there must be something wrong with me, but thinking about something being wrong with my brain somehow removes the shame…

Check out my post I wrote just before my presentation!

Sharing my challenge with depression helped me so much, but helped others too. Our conversation brought to light the common struggles we are all facing…most of us were women age 35 and up, caregivers of young children, and moms.

We all wear a mask, hiding how we feel about our lives, the many roles we fill and the trauma that we may live with.

And since then, I’m finding that deeper relationships and more intimate connections have an important role in how we work together and support each other.

So my friend that has no room for me…I kept going back and forth between what did I do to what a jerk and back to I knew I wasn’t enough and what a crappy way to treat a friend. All this in my head of course, and I’m sure you consistent readers are probably saying “you should just take your own advice”.

(Did I mention that he said he was having some issues but then just went silent?)

Anyway, in my better, more rational, clear moments, I know that when things are challenging for him, or emotional, or crazy busy, he goes silent and retreats. I was able to tell myself it was temporary, no big deal, our friendship can weather anything. I know this to be true in my gut. But his silence was usually only for a couple days, and came with a little info to go along with it. But his issues were bigger, messier, this time and without closure or something resembling it, I was hurt, upset, full of self doubt and insecurities (surprise surprise, right?)

Anyway, I went for a walk to clear my head this evening, tried to get past where I knew he’d be soon, but there he was. So I went right up and said , “what the hell? You know silence makes me crazy!” With a dumbfounded look on his face, he says, “I have a lot going on, I just need to go off the grid for awhile.”

Seriously. Just. Say. So. Jeez!

He knows I struggle with mental illness, he knows I get a little nuts, but right now, he has to come first. I am sticking by my original statement (crafted by my talented therapist) to release him from the pressure he feels from me (let’s face it, I am a high maintenance friend) out of love for him (don’t worry mom, it’s that friendship kind of love).

So trust your instincts in your calm and stable and clear moments. Remind yourself that you are enough. And if that doesn’t work, read my rules for life post again: when I speak, I say more about myself than the other person…

*and don’t worry, I made it clear that his behavior was unacceptable!

So one of my friends is struggling with balance in his life, and I’m one of the pieces that has to go by the wayside. It’s not my preference or my desired path, but true to form, I am willing to sacrifice my needs for his.

But it’s tough, especially without closure, because, well, that’s just how it is. But my therapist was incredibly helpful to me today. After listening to my internal struggle, my selfish needs and the needs of my dear friend, she advised me to let go (like I knew she would). But how do I do that? She reminds me of all of the pressures he faces, all of the many needs he is trying to meet, and the pieces of his life that really require his full dedication. And then she reminds me that although I need closure, he needs a clean break. She suggests that I use this phrase: Out of my love for you, I want to release you from any pressure you’re feeling.

And she reminds me that while I’ve often sacrificed my needs for others, and I’m trying to put myself first these days, that this particular situation demands that I release him from pressure.

So that is what I’m doing. I greatly appreciated all that his friendship has brought me, after all, he was the catalyst that brought about my awakening, helped me to seek support as I began to unravel…I will always care about my friend and be here if he needs me, but I will not be tugging at him anymore.

Just in case there’s room someday…