So my friend that has no room for me…I kept going back and forth between what did I do to what a jerk and back to I knew I wasn’t enough and what a crappy way to treat a friend. All this in my head of course, and I’m sure you consistent readers are probably saying “you should just take your own advice”.
(Did I mention that he said he was having some issues but then just went silent?)
Anyway, in my better, more rational, clear moments, I know that when things are challenging for him, or emotional, or crazy busy, he goes silent and retreats. I was able to tell myself it was temporary, no big deal, our friendship can weather anything. I know this to be true in my gut. But his silence was usually only for a couple days, and came with a little info to go along with it. But his issues were bigger, messier, this time and without closure or something resembling it, I was hurt, upset, full of self doubt and insecurities (surprise surprise, right?)
Anyway, I went for a walk to clear my head this evening, tried to get past where I knew he’d be soon, but there he was. So I went right up and said , “what the hell? You know silence makes me crazy!” With a dumbfounded look on his face, he says, “I have a lot going on, I just need to go off the grid for awhile.”
Seriously. Just. Say. So. Jeez!
He knows I struggle with mental illness, he knows I get a little nuts, but right now, he has to come first. I am sticking by my original statement (crafted by my talented therapist) to release him from the pressure he feels from me (let’s face it, I am a high maintenance friend) out of love for him (don’t worry mom, it’s that friendship kind of love).
So trust your instincts in your calm and stable and clear moments. Remind yourself that you are enough. And if that doesn’t work, read my rules for life post again: when I speak, I say more about myself than the other person…
*and don’t worry, I made it clear that his behavior was unacceptable!