Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

The little girl in me…

So upon the advice of my therapist, or myself, I’m listening to my little girl self. She wants a birthday party. She wants it to be just for her. She wants a special theme and activities and decorations. She wants to pick it all out and see all her friends come together to have fun.

So that’s what I’m doing! I’m throwing myself a good old fashioned birthday party!

With a winter birthday, we always went sledding. It was fun, but it wasn’t what the other kids were doing…and my mom did the best she could, but we didn’t have a lot of money for stuff like decorations or party favors when we were little…and being a twin, it was always both our friends, and I had to share the attention. Is it too much to ask for it to be about me just this once?

Now mind you, my mom always made us each our own birthday cakes: chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting for me and strawberry jello cake with cool whip for my sister.

Oddly, I asked for chocolate chip that year, but also, the wrong cakes are in front of us!

We always got to choose our own friends, and it wasn’t so bad. But even at an early age, I was aching to just be celebrated independently of my sister, especially because she had a powerful personality. I was quick to be the quiet one. Well, I hear that as an infant, I was the loud one, but somewhere along the way, that changed…not sure when why or how…

Anyway, I can’t wait to celebrate my birthday with friends! It’ll be unicorn themed with a piñata and musical chairs, decorations and balloons! I’ll let you know how it goes!

And on a side note, when I was 6 years old, I wanted a horse for my birthday. Our wonderful neighbor dressed up as a horse for me…my fondest birthday memory from my childhood❤️

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

I’m not the only one growing and healing…

Had a conversation with my husband last night. He was finally honest with me about how my friendship with a guy made him feel. After a lot of listening, I told him to turn it around: when he was grieving his sister and father, I was feeling the way he’d been feeling. But instead of months, it was years. Instead of jealousy, I was burdened with isolation and extreme pressure. It’s not a competition, and there’s no blame. Only perspective and empathy and understanding. I explained that the friendship met a need for me that he wasn’t able to meet, my husband relied on me for everything for so long that my friendship with this man that didn’t rely on me for anything, filled a void.

I think my husband is finally ready to fill that gap again. And I couldn’t be happier. I’m so proud of his personal growth and vulnerability…I wasn’t sure I’d ever see it, but I guess we all have setbacks before we leap forward…

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She’s using my skills against me…and it’s so dang helpful

Once again my talented therapist is surprising me with her insight and skillfulness. I’ve been having some repetitive thoughts and trying to make them stop only makes them worse. She ever so carefully steered me into how to get to the root of those thoughts without my awareness, with no pressure, and an ease that allowed for openness.

So here it is…her magical approach:

If a child in your care was having a tough time letting go of some feelings, how would you help that child move through it?

So simple. First I would listen to the child, because after all, every child wants to feel heard. I would then observe the child’s behavior to look for non-verbal communication. Children’s behavior is a such an enlightening form of expression and communication. Next, I would find activities or roles based on my observations that I could offer to empower the child and build on that child’s strengths, ultimately meeting the unmet needs.

Damn she’s good. She got me so focused on the child that popped into my mind that I forgot I was talking about myself! But here comes the tough part, right? Looking at myself as the child instead of the teacher…well, she put me in my secure role as educator and so I carried that feeling with me as I dove in.

So here I am sitting there thinking that I have to listen to my young self. And that child says nothing. She is silent and trying to make herself small, trying not to cause any trouble or unwanted tension. She wants someone to notice her, to listen to her. She wants someone to ask her what she thinks, and she wants to be listened to when she answers. She wants others to want her. She wants others to accept her. She wants others to feel comfortable with her. She wants to be seen for who she is becoming, and she wants to cheer on the others who are becoming…

Here I go…

  • Writing my blog helps me feel heard and I love that others find inspiration in my words and thoughts. (Keep it up!)
  • I’ll never be seen if I don’t let others have the opportunity to see me, so I am putting myself out there. (Be brave!)
  • I will keep becoming myself, and accept who I am, since my own acceptance is of paramount importance.
  • I will keep working toward being comfortable with myself and the comfort of others will come on it’s own (right?)
  • And finally, I will begin to let go of the fear…fear of rejection, loss, fear that I will never again find the connections like those I’ve had in my life.

Wish me luck…it’ll be a process, a trial of sorts with some backslides and failures, but I’ll get there.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Friendship Follow-Up

Faced with changing and evolving friendships, I’ve been examining what I expect out of my friendships. One of the things I didn’t realize is so important to me is being physically present. I’ve had pen pals in the past, and though the letters were a bright spot for me, they were punctuated by seeing friends in real life. The outings and visits sparked more conversations and commonalities to continue to build a relationship, galvanizing the connection.

a hug or looking into a friends eyes is the ultimate affirmation of friendship.  It cements the connection and relationship between myself and the other person, and it is the most authentic and meaningful way to show someone you care

I suppose that’s part of why we become friends with those we spend the most time, like our colleagues. And I suppose that’s why people like me, who work alone, struggle with friendships…or maybe it’s the other way around? Huh.

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“Pain is Love” a misunderstood quote

My friend has this quote tattooed on his arm and I always thought it was cynical and negative, and honestly quite sad. But as I step into the new year, I’ve been thinking about it, and I get it now. The article below says it so much better than me so please read it, but I will grab some highlights for you that resonated with me in particular.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/why-can-love-be-so-painful-6-ways-to-heal-and-move-on_b_5134565/amp

Love is painful, because it transforms you. Love is growth.

Love means the death of the ego, because love cannot be controlled.

To suffer in love is not to suffer in vain; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness.

The transformation we all go through is from control of the mind to vulnerability of the heart.

With love, the ego drops and the soul arises. Love is food for the soul.

Go through the dark night and you reach a beautiful sunrise.

This song just came on, and the line “hell will always come before you grow” captured my ear

update: after some consideration, I think the expression should be pain from love…it hurts because of the love we have for one another…

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Grief 5 Years Later…

I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my family, my husbands family, classmates, community members…but the loss of my dear friend Laura was the roughest on me (sorry mom). When you choose to bring a person into your circle, into your life, it’s got a different significance than who you happen to have in your life already.

Laura was kind, thoughtful, but also down to earth and flawed. She held her flaws close, but shared them with me from the beginning…we had a comfort with each other almost right away that was easy. I’ll never forget the evening she told me about the lump in her neck…

We were having dinner together on an early November evening. She had the roasted garlic potato soup and I had the pumpkin ravioli. We chatted quite a while and when I noticed the lump on her neck, she said she’d have it checked as soon as her insurance kicked in in January. While I completely understood waiting for financial reasons, I told her not to let it go longer than that. But that evening, I had the thought: it’s cancer and she’s going to die. I can’t explain it, to have not just a feeling, but the sure and certain knowledge of what was to come was overwhelming. Sure enough, the doctor saw her on a Wednesday in January and took it out two days later on his lunch break, telling her he was 99% sure it was cancer. From there, scans and tests and chemo…and by July she was cancer free. But she struggled to shake a cough, taking steroids to reduce inflammation changed her appearance and did little to help..In October, they did a biopsy of her lungs, and she was hospitalized for good after that. Early November brought news that she wasn’t conscious, relied on a ventilator, and had an uphill battle. I knew she would not come back to us, I knew that life had been too hard for her, that she didn’t want to fight anymore, and that she knew letting go was the kindest thing her family could do for her. Her paperwork was quite clear: after two weeks on a ventilator, with no signs of improvement, she was to be taken off life support. She only lasted a week on the machines, her body just couldn’t keep going.

Laura was one of the most perfect imperfect people I’ve ever met. She was nurturing and gentle, and a dear friend. I’ve been finally allowing people into my heart again, and though I’ve been hurt, I’ve also been healed. I’m not much for heaven and all that, but I believe she is with me, and that she sent me a couple of wonderful people to help fill the Laura-shaped hole in my heart.

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So Much Fun!

In my quest to feel more like a woman and less like mom, wife, cook, house cleaner…I took a risk. A friend posted that a local company was looking for a fit model for someone my size. Not knowing what this was, I looked it up. You try on clothes and let designers know what you think. Sounds easy enough but I was so nervous! I didn’t even go try on wedding dresses in public, I ordered from a catalog and tried them on at home.

Lucky for me, the first fit model gig I got was at home. They sent me a giant box of pajamas and bathrobes (perfect for me on all accounts). I tried all of them on, took notes, then sent the jammies through the wash and did it all again. I sent my notes back to the company and got to keep the pjs! They appreciated my honest feedback and my next gig is in their warehouse! With people around, designers no less! I’m excited about it, but so nervous!

But this job as a fit model is definitely getting me rolling on my goal to be less mom and more me! It’s nice to be appreciated for my opinion, and also to know that I have a specific and unique value to someone, even if it’s a paid job, it matters.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr · 1 Comment

My husband’s response to my unraveling…

It seems only fitting that I write this today, after all it’s our 19th wedding anniversary.

He’s always been wonderful, spoils me, gives me room to be me, and makes me feel loved. But this last year, maybe longer, he’s been especially…adaptive, flexible, appropriately responsive, and steady (among other things, but these are the words I choose to add today).

In the interest of keeping this post from being reallllllly long, I’m going to make a list of issues and his responses as opposed to telling about each mini crisis…but if there’s anything you’re wondering, please comment, and as always, feel free to share any of my posts that you feel may reach someone!

  • Miscarriage: my last one threw me into a downward spiral, and he could tell I needed to brood. He gave me space to do that. He also gave me room to cry and be cranky without taking it personally.
  • Many naps: Depression can make you sleepy, and many evenings and weekends, I would disappear to my room to take a nap. This often meant he was doing dinner and the kid on his own, which wasn’t typical, but he never complained. He would wake me for dinner occasionally or wake me to do my evening meds, and he never made me feel bad about it.
  • Avoiding gatherings: whenever I felt like skipping a nieces birthday party or dinner with my folks, he would always make me feel okay about it and go on his own. It was just what I needed. He always made the appropriate excuses or apologies for me, and never made me feel like I was doing something wrong.
  • Depression: the loss of interest and apathy, he always tried to be honest without being selfish or manipulative or shaming. He was open to suggestions and discussion or silence and inaction.
  • Therapy appointments and bills: He worries about money, it’s just how he is wired, but from the very beginning, he never once complained about the cost of therapy and medications that I’ve needed. He has been incredibly supportive of my therapy appointments and subsequent need for a nap or a good cry afterwards.
  • New friendship with a guy: This is the big one, because for some reason, this guy I became friends with was able to reach me in a way my husband couldn’t. I had been down for a long time, sleepwalking through my life after my best friend passed. And though Phil supported me the best he could at the time, it was someone outside of our daily life that was able to reach me. And it was weird for Phil at first, I was so excited to have a new friend that made me think and feel things again, that it came across as something else…he would tease me about having a boyfriend, but I always knew I could be honest with my husband and I was. I said, “yes, it seems like that to you, but it’s a nice feeling to know that someone, who isn’t in my circle of responsibility, wants to hear what I have to say.” I reminded him that the flirty side he said he saw was just excitement at the thought of a new friend, since I’ve always struggled with friendships in the past. My amazing husband accepted that, said it was still weird to him but ok. He was okay that this man, who wasn’t him, helped me feel engaged in my life, he was okay that this man helped me to see I needed therapy, and he was okay that I leaned on someone else for awhile. He was even okay when I was sad that this friend hurt my feelings. And he was even okay when I talked about how my friends wife was jealous of our friendship. My husband empathized with her situation, but still gave me room to have him in my life.

And in turn for all of his adaptations and patience, I’m getting better all the time. Giving me all that support made it possible to move through some darkness and walk out into the light feeling strong and well. Our relationship is steadily improving, not that it wasn’t good, but after all these years, it’s important to reconnect. We are preparing for next years big anniversary with a party, and we are both happier and focusing on us again. He’s amazing and I’m grateful for the wonderful partner that I have by my side.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Friendship is…

  • Humorous
  • Vulnerability
  • Dependable
  • Forgiving
  • Fallible
  • Ever changing
  • Supportive
  • Inspiring
  • Challenging
  • Honest
  • Authentic
  • Scary
  • Transcending time, distance
  • Imperfect
  • Enduring
  • Provocative
  • Understanding
  • Patient
  • Tolerant
  • Honest
  • Surprising
  • Trustworthy
  • Reciprocal, though lopsided at times
  • Emotional
  • Loving
  • Enlightening
  • Adventurous
  • Thoughtful
  • Inconsistent
  • A risk
  • At times, brief
  • Rare

Watching new show a million little things …we all hide our pain, and sometimes it’s the most seemingly easy going, happy people who are in the most pain…depression described using a plane crash metaphor…losing sight of the horizon…and subsequent nosedive…hopelessness and powerlessness hide just beneath the surface and we want it to be detected, but we do not want to be the one to shine the light on it…

My recovery “recipe” has included therapy, medication, and a shift in my priorities. I come first, and I never would have gotten to this point if not for friendship. When my best friend died, I shutdown that part of myself. It’s funny though, my long time friends, including my husband, have all been here for me, and I’m grateful. But sometimes it’s the new people you meet that wake you up, revive that part of yourself and make you feel again. To be seen and heard by someone new reminded me that I’m more, have something to offer, and rekindles a desire to think and learn and engage in my life again.

In my next post, I’ll reveal how my husband has dealt with some of this…spoiler alert…it’s pretty incredible.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Spirit Animals…hmmm

When I first started to respond to the realization that I was unraveling, breaking down, I wanted to share with others what I was learning. I wanted to save others the trouble of falling apart, and give them a pat on the back for putting themselves first. So I volunteered to give a talk at our local wellness network. This is a group of other child care providers like myself with whom I feel comfortable and that they would benefit from hearing my story.

In the process of preparing a presentation, I came across an image that I have clung to throughout this process.

This image became a guide for me in a way, and I have been integrating reminders throughout my life in the form of jewelry, knick knacks, stickers…it helps to be cued whenever my mind wanders! It doesn’t hurt that I love the ocean…

Finding a spirit animal, or at least a favorite animal, can give a little direction, a little inspiration, and even a little hope. For a more in depth view on spirit animals, check out a guest blog

And by the way, here’s a little about my symbol of choice:

The Hawaiian Green Sea Turtle, known as “Honu,” symbolizes good luck, endurance and long life. Turtles can show up as a person’s guardian spirit, known as “Aumakua.” When lost, turtles are excellent navigators and often find their way home.Nov 3, 2014

The Meaning Behind Hawaiian Symbols | Walk Stories™ – OluKai

*Anyway, the presentation was well received: we brainstormed signs of depression, possible strategies, and I shared some quotes that seemed to reach folks. I was touched by the common issues we have all been facing and the openness that flourished in the room that night. See my next post for more about this…