Don’t worry, I’m not hallucinating…just sometimes, the content in a show strikes right where I’m at and feels so…relevant to me. Awhile back, after my best friend had died, I was up late watching tv and The Outsiders was on, the part when Ponyboy reads the poem by Robert Frost, Nothing Gold Can Stay. In that moment, it hit me that Laura was that beautiful gold in my life that I couldn’t keep.

And it’s so true…I’ve been going through a lot, and though I’m doing better, I find myself once again all cozied up with that fleeting feeling. When I began to recover from my unraveling, I felt so alive and energetic and vibrant! It was very much connected to my dear friend who was kind to me for no reason. He’s not in my life anymore, and I feel like I have not been able to recapture that surge of healing and colorful energy. Maybe I never will, though I also feel like I have to grieve that loss, not like my friend who passed, just in its own way.

I got to this point of viewing the friendship loss, and ultimately the grief, after watching tv and feeling like the characters were talking to me…after a memorial service one character was referring to “…ashes to ashes, dust to dust…” and it made him think of something the other character had once written himself:

“Nothing lasts forever, (that) people we love sometimes leave our lives, but what stays is how they (have) forever changed us.”

I needed to hear that. Really needed to hear that. Laura definitely forever changed me, in countless ways, small and huge. Michael definitely forever changed me, in countless ways, small and huge. There have been others too, and hopefully I’ve told them who they are…I will eventually, don’t worry! These two relationships are more present, painful even, for me because of their brevity and the degree to which I’ve been changed by them, and the fact that I didn’t, and wouldn’t, choose to walk away from either of them…the choice was not within our control on both counts.

Anyway, I’m reminded of the poem, because after all, “nothing gold can stay“. All I can do is hold onto the gold flecks left behind on my heart and soul. The gifts both Laura and Michael shared with me will stay, and for that, I am and will be forever grateful.

*I’m also reminding myself that it’s not so much that they changed me; it’s that they provided a nurturing and safe friendship in which I could grow and change myself.

Read this. It’s spot on.

I have some thoughts, they’ll have to wait though. This article says most of it anyway…bottom line: take time to rejuvenate and rest. Resilience is something we all need, but it needs to be nurtured.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my friends, past and present. Last weeks therapy appointment got me thinking about past patterns of behavior. And I had one of those “aha” moments…

Early rejection left me wary of connecting with people. I would hide myself, make myself small until I had a reason to open up. And then once I did, I was all in, attached to the point of …excess.

That feeling of acceptance and interest became, well becomes, like an addiction at times, and can be detrimental to the relationship in the end. It wasn’t always that way, but I can think of a few specific examples off the top of my head. I don’t always take the time and effort to feel things, when I do though, it’s deeply. I hold on tight and dig in. The closer the connection, the tighter I hold on…And sometimes it’s a good thing…sometimes.

Now that I’m aware of it all these years later, I just have to learn to live with it, making adjustments when I can. As I accept me, hopefully others will too…lucky for me, some already have!

Doing the right thing is hard sometimes.

You already know what you should do, you just know an easier way.

Just go for it. What are you waiting for?

“I’m young enough…”

“There’s still time…”

“I don’t know what I want to do…”

“It can’t hurt to stay with him/her a little longer…”

“It’s not that bad…”

What are you waiting for? You have an opportunity to do something now, something of your own choosing. So just do it.

And you have the benefit of learning from others…such a gift! Learn from them, learn from me: take your life and shape it to be what you want, and get started now. Tomorrow is never a guarantee, and if you’re lucky, you’ll have the chance to remind yourself of that everyday.

When you are struggling, and you talk yourself out of insecurity, self-doubt, and you talk yourself into believing the best of a situation, giving the benefit of the doubt to someone, and then…you find out you were right to do it.

Sometimes, you just have to listen to that cheesy voice in your head trying to pump you up, keep the faith, and believe the best of people, because sometimes, the cheesy voice is right!

So keep listening to yourself…that voice might just be right, and though you won’t always know it for sure, that’s ok.