Don’t worry, I’m not hallucinating…just sometimes, the content in a show strikes right where I’m at and feels so…relevant to me. Awhile back, after my best friend had died, I was up late watching tv and The Outsiders was on, the part when Ponyboy reads the poem by Robert Frost, Nothing Gold Can Stay. In that moment, it hit me that Laura was that beautiful gold in my life that I couldn’t keep.
And it’s so true…I’ve been going through a lot, and though I’m doing better, I find myself once again all cozied up with that fleeting feeling. When I began to recover from my unraveling, I felt so alive and energetic and vibrant! It was very much connected to my dear friend who was kind to me for no reason. He’s not in my life anymore, and I feel like I have not been able to recapture that surge of healing and colorful energy. Maybe I never will, though I also feel like I have to grieve that loss, not like my friend who passed, just in its own way.
I got to this point of viewing the friendship loss, and ultimately the grief, after watching tv and feeling like the characters were talking to me…after a memorial service one character was referring to “…ashes to ashes, dust to dust…” and it made him think of something the other character had once written himself:
“Nothing lasts forever, (that) people we love sometimes leave our lives, but what stays is how they (have) forever changed us.”
I needed to hear that. Really needed to hear that. Laura definitely forever changed me, in countless ways, small and huge. Michael definitely forever changed me, in countless ways, small and huge. There have been others too, and hopefully I’ve told them who they are…I will eventually, don’t worry! These two relationships are more present, painful even, for me because of their brevity and the degree to which I’ve been changed by them, and the fact that I didn’t, and wouldn’t, choose to walk away from either of them…the choice was not within our control on both counts.
Anyway, I’m reminded of the poem, because after all, “nothing gold can stay“. All I can do is hold onto the gold flecks left behind on my heart and soul. The gifts both Laura and Michael shared with me will stay, and for that, I am and will be forever grateful.
*I’m also reminding myself that it’s not so much that they changed me; it’s that they provided a nurturing and safe friendship in which I could grow and change myself.