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Grief 5 Years Later…

I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my family, my husbands family, classmates, community members…but the loss of my dear friend Laura was the roughest on me (sorry mom). When you choose to bring a person into your circle, into your life, it’s got a different significance than who you happen to have in your life already.

Laura was kind, thoughtful, but also down to earth and flawed. She held her flaws close, but shared them with me from the beginning…we had a comfort with each other almost right away that was easy. I’ll never forget the evening she told me about the lump in her neck…

We were having dinner together on an early November evening. She had the roasted garlic potato soup and I had the pumpkin ravioli. We chatted quite a while and when I noticed the lump on her neck, she said she’d have it checked as soon as her insurance kicked in in January. While I completely understood waiting for financial reasons, I told her not to let it go longer than that. But that evening, I had the thought: it’s cancer and she’s going to die. I can’t explain it, to have not just a feeling, but the sure and certain knowledge of what was to come was overwhelming. Sure enough, the doctor saw her on a Wednesday in January and took it out two days later on his lunch break, telling her he was 99% sure it was cancer. From there, scans and tests and chemo…and by July she was cancer free. But she struggled to shake a cough, taking steroids to reduce inflammation changed her appearance and did little to help..In October, they did a biopsy of her lungs, and she was hospitalized for good after that. Early November brought news that she wasn’t conscious, relied on a ventilator, and had an uphill battle. I knew she would not come back to us, I knew that life had been too hard for her, that she didn’t want to fight anymore, and that she knew letting go was the kindest thing her family could do for her. Her paperwork was quite clear: after two weeks on a ventilator, with no signs of improvement, she was to be taken off life support. She only lasted a week on the machines, her body just couldn’t keep going.

Laura was one of the most perfect imperfect people I’ve ever met. She was nurturing and gentle, and a dear friend. I’ve been finally allowing people into my heart again, and though I’ve been hurt, I’ve also been healed. I’m not much for heaven and all that, but I believe she is with me, and that she sent me a couple of wonderful people to help fill the Laura-shaped hole in my heart.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Spirit Animals…hmmm

When I first started to respond to the realization that I was unraveling, breaking down, I wanted to share with others what I was learning. I wanted to save others the trouble of falling apart, and give them a pat on the back for putting themselves first. So I volunteered to give a talk at our local wellness network. This is a group of other child care providers like myself with whom I feel comfortable and that they would benefit from hearing my story.

In the process of preparing a presentation, I came across an image that I have clung to throughout this process.

This image became a guide for me in a way, and I have been integrating reminders throughout my life in the form of jewelry, knick knacks, stickers…it helps to be cued whenever my mind wanders! It doesn’t hurt that I love the ocean…

Finding a spirit animal, or at least a favorite animal, can give a little direction, a little inspiration, and even a little hope. For a more in depth view on spirit animals, check out a guest blog

And by the way, here’s a little about my symbol of choice:

The Hawaiian Green Sea Turtle, known as “Honu,” symbolizes good luck, endurance and long life. Turtles can show up as a person’s guardian spirit, known as “Aumakua.” When lost, turtles are excellent navigators and often find their way home.Nov 3, 2014

The Meaning Behind Hawaiian Symbols | Walk Stories™ – OluKai

*Anyway, the presentation was well received: we brainstormed signs of depression, possible strategies, and I shared some quotes that seemed to reach folks. I was touched by the common issues we have all been facing and the openness that flourished in the room that night. See my next post for more about this…

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Being Authentic:

Being your most authentic self is scary, nerve wracking, difficult, but also rewarding, worth it, and gets easier.

I have never been a fan of people who act phony, but it was something I was guilty of myself at times. Letting others see who you are, and know what you think requires taking a personal, and sometimes professional, risk. And it can come with a cost.

So what do we gain from authenticity:

  • Confidence
  • Community
  • Friendship
  • Security (emotional)
  • Respect
  • Appreciation
  • Opportunity (for growth among others types)

And from being disingenuous we gain:

  • Casual, sometimes shallow, relationships
  • Popularity (short term)
  • Polite interactions
  • Isolation
  • Mistrust

Keep in mind, this is just my opinion…and feel free to add to either list. And in my opinion, phony, fake, are not desired, but maybe that works for some people…just not me.

It’s important to be yourself, to show our children how to be true to their beliefs and values, to provide a model of heathy emotions relationships and interactions, to foster personal growth and challenge each other to do more, be better.

It has taken me a long time and many struggles, but I am finally embracing authenticity as one of my core values. The truth isn’t always pretty, but in a respectful and unconditional relationship, it can be accepted and sorted out.

I love this definition by Diane Mottl, MSW

“Being authentic means coming from a real place within. It is when our actions and words are congruent with our beliefs and values. It is being ourselves, not an imitation of what we think we should be or have been told we should be”

And one of my inspirations has a lot to say about authenticity that truly match what’s in my head-she just says it so well!!

The phrase “daily practice” is a clear reminder that it takes effort, it mandates that you choose to be authentic.

She’s not wrong! Since I’ve been on this journey, this breakdown, crisis, unraveling, I’ve been noticing that being who I really am, or more to the point, NOT being myself, has been at the root of many facets of my struggle.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

The Power of a Discovery

So this journey has allowed me to slow down and gain some perspective. I’ve forced myself to examine why and how I got to the point of ignoring my needs in favor of everyone else…and I was able to pinpoint the beginning of the unraveling:

When my sister in law died unexpectedly at the age of 36, I turned off the part of myself that allowed my needs to come through. My husband and his parents were wrecked, overwhelmed by their grief. I had to hold everything together, and be strong for them all. And for our son, who was 4 at the time, I had to be an anchor, a safe place with consistent responses and a predictable routine.

Therapy has been a critical part of this process, and it helped me realize that I had to start making my own needs a priority. Upon reflecting and really, just talking to my therapist, it just came out of my mouth…and it was like I’d been in a dark room, and suddenly the lights were on. My world had been illuminated and all kinds of clarity was revealed: when his sister died, I stopped being myself with my husband.

He’s the one person with whom I should be able to be myself. So that’s what I’m doing now…so far, so good.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

One more piece of the puzzle…

Talking with a friend today, we got to a subject I avoid: my dad. Well, how when dads leave us as kids, the way we feel and how it impacts us for years to come… As an adult, I get it now: he wasn’t capable of being a parent, and didn’t know how, and quite frankly, was told to get lost by my (amazing) no-nonsense mom.

When I think about that time in my childhood, it’s kind of blurry. I had a dad in my life, around the house. Then my memories skip to when he wasn’t around. I don’t have strong feelings from that time, I was kind of just gliding along like it was no big thing (mom: maybe I acted out or something, but I have no recollection).

The feelings of rejection and being abandoned came later. Much later. And with those also came anger, worthlessness, confusion.

I had what most would call a normal home with family that loved me, including a step dad who turned out to be soooo much better than the “real” thing, and a mom who worked hard and sacrificed a lot for us (despite my ignorance to this fact). For all intents and purposes, I had a good life.

Well here’s the thing: when someone who gives you life, DNA, biology (you get it) leaves your life, and you’re a child who is still learning what love is, looking for where you belong, who you are…you take it personally. Maybe not at first, or like others, maybe all at once, or whatever…it took me awhile, but eventually I felt it. I felt defective, broken, unworthy.

Why would he leave me? Wasn’t I special? Wasn’t I good enough? Wasn’t I enough?

As an adolescent, I still saw him and his side of the family from time to time. As I began to learn more about him, and got to know him better, two things started to happen: I began to understand that he was NOT capable of being a father and I decided that he should have tried harder. Why didn’t he try harder?”

Anyway, long story short…despite the fact that it was best for me in some ways, his leaving/being kicked out shaped me for years, still impacts how I conduct myself, and influences who I am. That being said, I’ve worked through a lot of it, and I no longer feel so angry. I’m sad for him, after all, he missed out. But he does the best he can within his own limits. And it’s not just me, I wasn’t the problem. I didn’t do anything wrong. I am enough.

But along the way, those feelings of worthlessness and abandonment led me to make poor choices at times…so tell yourself (or someone who may have had a similar experience):

  • You didn’t do anything wrong
  • Dad has limits, he can’t do more.
  • It’s not about you, though it feels like it, it really isn’t.
  • You are worthy of love and belonging.
  • You are enough. Just as you are.
Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

I found something I’d been missing…and it feels good

First off, Mom, stop reading. If you read it anyway, pretend you didn’t please.

So over these last months, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and pondering and just plain exploring my mind and whatever happens to pop in. I had been looking at some art online for inspiration and came upon some beautiful pieces of art that sparked a memory, well, less of a memory and more the remnants of a feeling long ago forgotten.

I came upon some nudes of women: curvy, colorful, serene, bold and sensual. I kept looking at them, realizing more and more that I wanted to see myself reflected in those moods and models. You see, for years, I have been a caregiver, a maid, a secretary, a chef, and a chauffeur. I was anything but a woman, let alone a woman who wants to celebrate her curves and sexuality and simple beauty. I would like to think that I’m more than all of those roles.

I am a woman who wants to feel bold in her skin, tender, and even sexy. I want my husband to be all over me, not because it’s been awhile, but because he can tell that I want him to be. I want to be at peace with myself and have it show in the way I carry myself.

More than anything, I want to enjoy being a woman, feeling alive and electric and satisfied and whole. I had forgotten that part of myself. I think I’m finding my way back, and it feels wonderful.

This song inspired me as well

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr · 1 Comment

Making A Mountain Out Of A Molehill: how I’m my own worst enemy

Here’s the thing…on a good day, when I’m feeling content and calm, a simple statement is just that. Simple. But on a day when I’m feeling anxious, worried or just plain irritable, the littlest thing blows up in my mind, quickly becoming the end of everything.

The other day, someone said to me, “I just don’t have time for you right now.” And typically, I know she’s busy and I can roll with it. The other day though, I took it as “we aren’t friends anymore because I don’t have time for you right now”. See the difference?

So I begin to spiral…I start thinking of all the things about the friendship that tick me off and annoy me and I send a text outlining my arguments for why we should still be friends and all the things that have bothered me about our friendship and so-on…you get the picture.

Well, my message goes unanswered and I’m quite sure she’ll never speak to me again. I’ve cried and sulked and resigned myself to a lost relationship. The next morning, I wake up in a pretty good mood, energetic and ready for the day. I’m still bummed about the day before but I decided to put it out of my head and do my work.

Hours later, I’m sitting down to relax and it comes to me: I made a mountain out of a molehill. I added my own tainted thought to her message and ran with it. I looked back at the original message, and realized what an idiot I had been. I texted her and asked if I was guilty of creating this drama, and sure enough, the answer was yes.

We talked and things are good, but I thought now would be a good time to reflect on how I got to this place. I definitely let my mood dictate my perspective. And it seems obvious now, but at the time, I just didn’t see it.

And the best part about this situation, is that I realized that I’d been holding in a lot of little things that bothered me about our friendship. I hadn’t noticed that I’d held on so tightly until I expressed those issues. I’m thinking the reason I woke up so energetic and happy the next day was due to the catharsis that I allowed myself. Lesson learned: engage in relationships that allow you to be yourself, in which you can voice what irks you without fear of rejection, that nurture your soul, and forgive your mistakes.

Posted on by Jennifer Cyr

Worth the Trouble

So I just listened to yet another Ted Talk that I got something out of…it was entitled Beautiful New Words to Describe Obscure Emotions by John Koenig. Find the link here

In this talk, he discusses how creating a new word for an emotion makes a person feel less alone, and validated even. He also discusses how “the meaning is not in the words themselves,” and states, “we’re the ones that pour ourselves into it.” This reminds me that our adult brains, our unique and diverse brains, give their own weight to the words we hear, interpret, speak…perspective is given life here! He says, “words are not real. They don’t have meaning, we do.”

He concluded his talk with a quote that I’ve found particularly meaningful. It speaks to the journey I’ve been on these past few months…it’s from Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes.

“Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy but it is still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.”

I agree with this quote whole heartedly, but trouble is the right word-it’s hard to be who you are, to feel comfortable and safe in your own skin. It’s hard to put yourself out there and risk, experience, rejection and criticism. But I have to believe in the end, that it will all be worth it. It has to be, right?