Remedy and Light

Awhile back, I was talking with my therapist about a bright spot in my childhood. I was 9 or 10, maybe younger. Because one of my issues had been feeling invisible, it was so memorable…one of my mom’s boyfriends (yes plural but there were only a few) took an interest in me. A prior boyfriend of hers had done the opposite and I think this guy may have sensed that.

His name was Paul, and I remember one time he wanted to take me hiking. We first went downtown to the bakery (an incredibly rare occurrence) and I got to pick out any doughnut I wanted: I chose lemon filled covered in powdered sugar! Then we went for a drive, probably just to north Springfield or Perkinsville, but it seemed like another world.

Anyway, we had a pleasant little outing and I felt special. It was a welcome feeling. But of course my therapist asked me questions like, “did he touch you at all?” And “did you feel like it was a secret?”

I did not like that she said that, though I suppose it was reasonable for her to ask since I clearly have lots of issues. My point was, actually is, that every kid needs somebody, well, not just kids, everyone needs someone to be their light, their joy, their champion, their remedy…And yes, sometimes, it may look like “grooming” so adults who cultivate relationships with children should be mindful, transparent, appropriate, and responsible in their interactions. Because as Mr. Rogers tells us:

My point is that it feels good to have your world brightened by another person, and in turn, lighting up another’s persons world feels wonderful as well. To be the person that ignites a fire in someone can be intoxicating, to help someone grow and change is invigorating, and when you see the chain reaction that comes from it, it makes you feel powerful, competent, and alive.

That’s what I am trying to do these days with my books and in my professional and personal life, slowly but surely. My dear friend Michael and I had to part ways, but I find comfort in the light I brought to his life and the color he brought to mine. My close friend Laura passed away 8 years ago, and I try to be the authentic type of friend to others that she was to me-honest, flawed, human. And there are numerous children over the years who still cherish their outdoor adventures and fields trips and investigations with me. I am the auntie who always gives the coolest books and brings doughnut holes. I am the mom that thanks the teachers for their work with my son, even in high school, and I am the client who tells the plow guy “thank you” every time he has to clear the snow. I’m also the customer at the grocery store who walks her cart all the way back inside after shopping even though they have people who do that. I am trying my best to be “a rainbow in someone’s cloud” when I can…

More on my meeting with Louise…

Because she is not just my mentor, she is a psychologist, and I had just come from therapy, and also, so much of my personal journey is wrapped up in my books…we discussed some of my…stuff. Here is a list of the topics mentioned and her warm and wonderful words that followed:

  • Self-published my book…why? Fear of rejection and desire for independence. Louise responds, “rather than fearing rejection, maybe you feared acceptance. The spirit does not have rejective qualities.” (Wow. Mind blown. Nailed it.)
  • A future book about death, animal kingdom, energy, coming from kids. Again, her response is beautiful, “one cannot create or destroy spirit, it always is. It always is and will be, instinct, intuition, spirit.” She goes further to state, “the body is just a carrier of our spirit, you think and feel the energy, it is formless.” And one more statement, “When we function as [just a] body, then we lose spirit, and it’s the spirit that unites us.”
  • In discussing the artwork of my book, I share how Jess and I became friends in 10th grade, and she stopped me and said, “that’s why you became friends in 10th grade, you were meant to come together,” to share your gifts with the world, to share your light, your compassion. She follows it up with more, “When we trust in where we come from, it’s magical…magic, magic, magic.” She reveals the simple idea that maybe I lit a spark in Jess…
  • And my dear friend…I told her how I had been numb and closed off until his kindness…sparked something. At some point, there was a defining moment when I allowed the light in, she says. I’m not so sure, and she goes on to say, “his kindness and light lit a spark in you, it sparked and it’s going to keep on sparking others. [What came] before the spark isn’t there anymore. You came alive and you awakened. You can’t go back. You have the strength to continue being who you are no matter what anyone says.” She reminds me that his friendship was a gift at a time that I needed it most, that I shared my gifts with him as well. She tells me that I don’t need him anymore, I have my own light now. She reminds me that nothing can diminish the gifts he shared with me, that they’ll always be with me, and mine with him.
  • We also briefly discussed the nature of a wolf, being part of the pack, “Even though I am a wolf, I still have my own individuality.” She breaks it down quite simply, “My worth is my pack. You do, do, do. Empire becomes your identity.” And warns, “Do not lose your essence even though you are part of a pack.” I hope my dear friend reads this…it’s how his family seems to operate, a pack defined by the empire they’ve created.
  • And finally, for now (yes there’s more, so much more), she emphasizes the need for patience in this world, in this life…”patience for the innate process of growth.”

Meeting with Louise…

Where to begin…well, if you haven’t read my rules to live by post, start there please.

I was excited and nervous to meet with her, though both feelings faded quickly upon seeing her. She is very calm and peaceful. She remembered me from years past and gave me a hug right away.

Its funny, only 24 hours later, and I’m having troubling recalling details…not that it wasn’t memorable, but because our meeting was so jam packed with…warmth, joy, gratitude. Right away, she whipped out my children’s book and told me how wonderful it was, especially the artwork (yay Jess). She was moved by the story of kindness, taking risks, compassion and sharing, calling my story a gift. She loves the flow and the wording of the book, and affirmed my choice of using animals to express my message, “the laws of nature, its instinctual in the animal kingdom to work together. [Using] animals in the story removes shame, removes judgement.”

The ultimate reason for the meeting was book 3…she has granted me full permission and is willing to support the process in any way needed. When I asked her about compensation, her response was beautiful:

“Sharing your joy, your compassion, your light is my compensation, watching you get free is my compensation. I live in spirit. I live in light.”

She shared so many things with me that I might just have to list different bits…

  • “I am light. I am spirit. I am kindness. I am compassion. I am sharing.” She relates this in regard to expression of who we are, and adds, “that’s the basis of who we are and what we are.”
  • She shared with me that she loves to read, and read that after the Mayan calendar ended, 12/21/12, “new energy emerged, came together.” She calls it “the best time to be alive, a time of renewal. [It is a time that is] safe to figure out who we are, get back to the essence of who we are.”
  • And as we were talking, I used the word try, which she quickly reminded me to remove that word from my vocabulary, “you do not try, you just do.” She gave me a little list: try, trying, tried, can’t, won’t, and but. Instead of won’t, she replaces it with “choose not to” and reminds me about the word but, “the truth is stated before the but and then what comes next negates it.” She suggests using and as a replacement.

There is so much more, but I have to collect my many thoughts…stay tuned!