So I’ve got to backtrack a bit so you can put the pieces together. Four years ago, my best friend died. She was a warm and loving person and after she died, I kind of cut my feelings off, tucked them away. Last year and the year before, I’ve begun to open up again, and have made a couple new friends and reaffirmed an old friendship. These friendships have made me feel alive again, and made it possible for me to be brave and vulnerable. When someone sees you, really sees you, it has a great effect on you. And yet the realization that I can allow myself to be seen, deeply, vulnerably seen, has its own power and allure.

I’ve become addicted to that feeling…someone cares for me in that way, and I just want more and more. After a period of some depression and some questionable behavior on my part, I’ve sought counseling. Long overdue, scary, and so important. And I’m learning so many things about myself, which you’ll hear about at some point.

But I’m definitely finding that I can’t let go of people who make me feel, not just happy, but truly feel. I realize that I’m scared, scared that if I rely on these friendships less, that i can’t be better on my own.

But the thing is, when a friendship is so easy, comfortable, and you feel it click, and you open yourself up.

And this quote from mindbodygreen* talks about love, and I think of it as friend-love, and how when you have chemistry and love, all kinds of feelings surface. And it’s scary, and could be tough, but ultimately, love and emotional safety can teach us about ourselves. My friendships have encouraged me to assert my needs with my husband and family, to keep learning, to try new things, and to be open. True friendship is a gift to be treasured, and am struggling to find a way to honor that, and still release my grip…

*Check out ‘The Truth About Chemistry Between Two People’ @ mindbodygreen https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-9984/the-truth-about-chemistry-between-two-people.html

Thanks for joining me! Since turning 40, things have been changing. I can call it a breakdown, a crash, a roller coaster ride, an awakening, or new beginning. Whatever it is, I feel a need to write about it and share. Thank you for joining me.

I just had a long chat with my mom. I had a new book on the table that I’m very excited about but never imagined it was up her alley, but she says, “oh, can I borrow that when you’re done?” Cool. It’s one of those being vulnerable and brave books.

After that we chatted a bit about my therapy and what I’m discovering about myself. I admitted that I’m a lot like a rock…when I get overwhelmed, I sink and wallow. My mom has always been a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kinda person. I’ve always wondered about that, how does she do it? Well, we got to talking and she was saying that when she was a kid, the oldest of 7 at the time, it was all about survival. Looking back for me, it was all about fading out and not making waves.

Anyway, I found myself admitting to her, which is not like me, that I’m afraid to be myself without the benefit of leaning on friends. I am afraid if I loosen my grip on my supportive people, that I can’t be better on my own…but how will I know if I never try, right?

I have often found that I do this with people, especially those friends that lift me up and make me feel happy, confident, and worthy. How do I let myself be brave enough to let go? I’ve got to find a way before I drive them away…